such is life

so i'm not much of a deviant anymore, sorry to report.

my focus has shifted fairly seriously from visual arts to music.

i feel like i've actually found something i'm good at, and that i have at least a small chance to go somewhere with this. i'd love for you guys to come check out my music, some of them are good, some of them are terrible, and a lot of them are meh.

but hopefully i'm improving, you know, practice makes perfect and all that jazz.





well thanks, hope you don't hate me for not turning out new pictures like i used to. i was never really that good at it :\

k, that's all i got for now, maybe i'll get back into this kinda thing more, who knows.

thanks for everything guys, later!

-loren

Today when you woke up, you felt pretty much the same way you've felt every other morning.

Lonely. Depressed. Undeserving of all the pain. Unjustly punished for crimes that were not your own.

You may feel the same you have every morning you've woken up for the past several months, but today, something's going to change.

You hit play in iTunes as you prepare for the day...

Leave me out...with the waste...This is not what I do...
It's the wrong...kind of place...to be thinking of you...
It's the wrong...time...for somebody new...
It's a small...crime...and I've got no excuse...

Today will be different, because it's the first day in years that you're going to stop and actually think about yourself, what you've done, and who you are.

A small voice in the back of your head has been quietly trying to persuade you that maybe you aren't perfect, and maybe the bad things that happen to you aren't everyone else's fault.

Today you're finally going to admit that it may be true...

Is that alright...yeah...
If i give my gun away when it's loaded?
Is that alright...yeah...
If you don't shoot it, how'm i supposed to hold it?
Is that alright...yeah...
If i give my gun away when it's loaded?
Is that alright...yeah...
With you...

Maybe the reason you're alone isn't that you haven't met the right person yet. Maybe the reason you have so few friends isn't because people make judgments instead of getting to know you. Maybe you haven't been used, manipulated, and lied to.

Leave me out...with the waste...this is not what i do...
It's the wrong...kind of place...to be cheating on you...
It's the wrong...time...she's pullin' me through...
It's a small...crime...and I got no excuse...

It's painful to think about...you don't want to admit it. You had actually started to believe that you were what people thought you were. You'd foolishly begun to believe that you might be a good person, someone worth loving.

Is that alright...yeah...
If i give my gun away when it's loaded?
Is that alright...yeah...
If you don't shoot it, how'm i supposed to hold it?
Is that alright...yeah...
If i give my gun away when it's loaded?
Is that alright...yeah...
With you...

You may not want to...but you know it's true...

It's true that...the reason you're alone is that you did meet the right person, and you pushed them away.

Is that alright...yeah....

The reason you have so few friends, is that no one sticks around once they do get to know you.

Is that alright...yeah...

You were the user, the manipulator....and the liar...all along...

Is that alright...yeah...

You pretended to be something you weren't, you even fooled some people, and in doing so, you'd managed to fool yourself...

but...you finally remember, you finally see...

Is that alright, is that alright, is that alright...with you.....
no...

...You finally see...that...maybe the real reason you've never found love...is that you're incapable...of loving anyone but yourself.



"Now," you think to yourself, "Now that i know, now that i finally admit it...i have the power to make a choice. i can either choose to wallow in self pity for the sad state of my life, or i can choose for once in my life to do the right thing, and change."

You briefly feel as though your life has taken a turn for the better, that today, tomorrow, and the next day, you'll start to change, and eventually become the person you've always dreamed you could be.

But your elation is brief and shallow, because you know...inside...that you've had this choice set before you many times before...and you've never once chosen to change...

...and deep in your heart...you know you never will...

-loren



Lyrics quoted from "9 Crimes" by Damien Rice

It's a small town. The roads curve through residential districts bordered by oak trees and empty fields.


It's late, and you have a meeting early tomorrow. You had a fun night out with your friends, but now you just want to get some rest.


You drive. Same roads, same turns, same street lights on timers that you sometimes run because you're too impatient for it to turn green, and no one else is there anyway.


The cd player starts to play Iron and Wine.


Daddy's ghost...behind you...

Sleepin' dog...beside you...


You like this song. It feels like a traveling song. It's a theme song to your life. In this moment you feel it more so than before. The landscape seems to glide past you rather than you passing through it.


You were born...a mystery...

You're the prayer...inside me...


You purposefully miss your last turn on the road home. It seems appropriate to stay on this open road, at least while the song is playing.

You briefly let your mind wander. Out into the night, away from your worries of rent and bills, away from your relationship troubles, away from the lack of sleep and all the things that keep you awake at night.


Spoken words...like moonlight...

You're the voice...that I like...


Maybe you're crazy, maybe it's the combination of the song, the road, the beautiful night sky, but just for a moment, you entertain the notion of just driving. Driving on, following wherever the road takes you. Throw away your cell phone, empty your bank account, forget your bills, your friends & family, your foes and acquaintances. You think for a moment that you could just keep driving and start a new life somewhere, free from all the worry, all the pain. You really like this song.


Needlework...and tea leaves...

In the way...you're walking...


You reach the long stretch of road that will take you to the highway. You turn onto it...and in the middle of the road, you stop. Turn off your engine, turn off your lights. You stop and look at the moon, the old barn to your left, the older willows to your right, and the long empty road ahead of you. You see this as the moment when you make your choice. Part of you knows the choice is already made. You pretend that you're still debating inside your head, and you listen to the song.


To me from... the timbers...

Faded from...the winter....


The choice is made. As you lay your head upon the same pillow that's embraced your weary body every night for what seems like centuries, you wonder if you'll ever choose differently.

Your last thoughts, before drifting off to sleep, are of the one person who can keep you up nights...never leaving your mind...and of the song that kept you out on the road a little longer than you probably should have stayed.

Thanks for reading,


loren

I guess I am, as they say, "back".

I don't think I'm "back" anywhere near the extent to which I was here before, but I'm not going to ignore this profile anymore either. I have a few deviations I submitted on a different account that may make their way back onto here, you never know.

well, all good things must come to an end...

Mood: Morning Mist
Listening to: Dandelions:Five Iron Frenzy

so...i always start my journals with 'so'...
i've gotta take a bit of a break. i'm obsessing and it's not good, i've got a real life too, and i've got things i need to take care of. the fact that the only time i'm on here is while i'm at work isn't good either. it's rude and disrespectful, even if there's no work to be done, they're not paying me to play around all day.

i'm not too broken up about it, but i do feel bad for the people who've been coming here and keeping me company, and for the people i may have inspired to start their own page...i still think this is a great site with a good community, i just went overboard and i know from personal experience the only way i can stop is 'cold turkey', as it were. so thanks for a fun ride, i'll probably see you around.

-loren

but i guess....all bad things probably come to an end too, eh?